More Afraid Than I've Ever Been
by Kyepie05
Summary: A few months after the prologue of Clockwork Princess. Will Herondale knows his friend is sick but he's never seen an attack. But that all changes one afternoon and he has to face the idea that he really will lose him.


**This is my first story for the Infernal Devices so I hope you like it and reviews would be very much appreciated. Thanks guys! This takes place a few months after the Clockwork Princess prologue.**

**I do not own anything about the Infernal Devices or the song Evelyn by Hurts.**

* * *

"_So stay with me, Evelyn_

_Don't leave me with a medicine_

_In the night_

_As you sit and watch me sleep_

_I know you cry_

_But I never want to see_

_So if you go_

_I don't know what I'll do_

_So don't you go_

_Cause I've got no one but you"_

-Evelyn by Hurts

"You're making progress."

Will snorted lightly, running his hand through his hair as he eyed the dagger a few inches away from the target. He still hadn't hit one in the center yet, although it was his top goal. He'd been working on it for about three months, ever since James Carstairs had arrived.

"You could probably hit me now if you were aiming for me," Jem told him kindly, moving to pull the dagger from the wall. Will fought back the smile that he did not want to smile. He was trying to be frustrated but, as always, it was harder to do with Jem around. Of course, he did not want to use Jem as target practice now, not that he ever truly did.

"Good to know. I'll keep it in mind," Will teased, holding out his hand for the knife.

Jem went to hand it to him then seemed to change his mind. He eyed him for a moment as he drew his hand back then he strode to a couple of long swords. "What do you say to trying something else today?"

Will couldn't help but feel relieved as he moved towards his friend. He was much better at long swords and, after being trained by Jem so much, he felt the need to outdo him at something. He picked up a sword and pointed it at his friend. "I hope you're ready to lose."

A smile pricked at the corner of Jem's mouth. "Perhaps," was all he said. Will lunged, too impatient to wait for Jem to make the first move. The other boy blocked it and moved neatly aside. As Will moved forward again, he thought about when he had met this mysterious, silvery boy.

He had, of course, tried to push him away. He had been cold and cruel but Jem had been unaffected, his expression never changing. Will would have found it annoying if he hadn't been stopped by the news of Jem's illness. That changed everything.

"_I'm sorry."_

"_No. Don't be ordinary like that. Say you'll train with me."_

He hadn't expected to ever have a friend again, someone to laugh with, someone to get in trouble with, someone to study with, someone to be there when he was hurting. But here they were- Will and Jem. Although it had only been three months, Will felt it. He knew that this was no ordinary friendship. They had a bond; a real bond that he felt would always be there. Not even death would break them. The thought of death made Will feel like a stone was dropped in his stomach, causing the attention he was giving his fight with his friend to falter.

Jem knocked his blade away as a result and Will began to raise his arms, beginning to plot a way to grab it before the match was truly lost, when it all stopped for him. Will had never seen Jem behave like someone who was dying, other than being frail, silver, and pale. Perhaps he went to bed slightly earlier than most twelve-year-olds would but that was it. But when Jem began to cough so hard that he stumbled backwards and dropped his sword, Will knew.

Instinctively, he _knew_ that this was no passing thing. He knew that what he was witnessing was no innocent cough. He knew he was seeing the illness that was going to kill his only friend in the world.

"James," he said meekly. His heart was pounding so hard and fast in his chest that he wondered if he was going to have a heart attack. He wondered why his heart was moving so quickly but his feet would not budge. All he could do was stare.

Jem took his arm away from his mouth as the coughing subsided and Will's blue eyes widened at the sight of crimson red on the white sleeve. His friend gave him a small, sad smile and opened his mouth- perhaps to say he was all right? - before another cough, even worse than its predecessor ripped through him.

The small boy fell to his knees from the force and this time Will was instantly galvanized. He raced to his friend's side and fell to the ground beside him. "Jem," he said softly. "Jem, what can I do?"

"Medicine," the other boy managed between coughing fits. Medicine. Of course. He had medicine. Will knew that so why had he not thought of it? But where was it?

One part of Will was panicked and furious with himself for not knowing, for not already leaping to get it. But the other part knew that he did not know. He had never dealt with this before and why would Charlotte tell him? Charlotte.

Will got to his feet and raced to the doorway. "Charlotte!" His voice was nothing but a croak in his panic. She'd never hear that. His gaze darted back to Jem but, as his eyes searched for his friends, the other boy slumped in a pile to the ground.

"_All who love you will die."_

Stricken, Will felt a fresh wave of panic hit him as he stared at his friend on the ground. Was three months enough? Enough to have come to love him? But it was. Will loved Jem as if they were brothers already. He had felt that they were family on the second day of knowing him.

"_I have about two years more to live, three if I am lucky, or so they tell me."_

Two or three years. He was supposed to have two or three years, not months. This would be his fault. Will felt his heart contract as the realization hit him like a brick. Right here, in this moment, he was more afraid than he'd ever been. But there was no turning back. He and Jem relied on each other now. So it was up to him.

"Charlotte! Jem needs help! Charlotte!" Hoping it would be enough to bring her in here, he darted to Jem's side and knelt beside him. He pulled his friend into his lap. "Charlotte's coming," he said, even though he knew that Jem wasn't even conscious. He couldn't hear him. But it didn't matter. "You'll be okay."

He could see Jem's chest rising and falling. They were shallow breaths but they were breaths and Will was grateful for them. He closed his eyes and tried to convince himself of what he was telling Jem, even though he knew that eventually, within three years, Jem would not be all right.

He looked up as Charlotte bustled in the room, her young face worried and fretting. "Jem," he choked out. The next hour was an absolute blur to him. But it wasn't after too long that they had gotten Jem into bed that he had come back around, much to Will's delight and relief.

The other boy blinked at them both tiredly for a few moments, his silver eyes shinning in the dimness of the room. "Thank you. I'm very sorry," Jem said softly, those silver eyes darting between the both of them. Will felt his heart ache. There was no one who deserved to live more than James Carstairs but here he was, dying.

Charlotte's deep brown eyes were full of such a devastating sadness as she opened her mouth to reply that Will had to take his gaze from her and fix it on his friend again. "It's not your fault," he said quickly, before she could get a word in. "This isn't your fault." The steadiness in his voice surprised him but Jem had to know. All that was important was that Jem knew that it was not his fault. No one blamed him and no one minded. They would keep him safe forever if they could.

But they could not.

Will looked back to Charlotte as she opened a box on Jem's night table and put some in a glass of water. He stared at her determinedly, locking it into memory. He would not have to call her again. He'd be able to fix James's medicine for him at any time, no matter what. He knew how to do it and he knew where it was kept. And nothing could make him forget.

_He's really dying. I am going to lose him._

Of course, if James were not dying they would not have become friends. Will knew this but it did not stop him from wishing things could be different. Wasn't that part of loving someone? Wanting them safe and happy even if it's without you?

But perhaps this was not something he should be thinking about. James was dying and that was that. What good did it do him to think about what it could be? It did not do to think about it.

It was then, however, that Will knew what he was going to do for the rest of Jem's life. He would be his caretaker, he would be his crutch when he could not stand. He would not freeze again. Next time he would be able to help him before fetching Charlotte. He would be for Jem whatever it was that he needed.

Will watched as Charlotte went to hand Jem the glass with water mixed with the silvery powder. Jem eyed it wearily and Will was struck suddenly with how frail he looked. His hair had more silver in it than it had when he had arrived, as did his eyes. Somehow, Will had not noticed the changes. Slowly, his friend reached out and took the glass. He drained it then set it down; his eyes were filled with a mixture of emotions that surprised Will. The look was mostly unreadable but Will could have sworn that he spotted traces of both disdain and fear in it.

Both were so alien to Jem that Will felt his curiosity prick, along with another surge of protectiveness. He looked at Charlotte; saw her opening her mouth to speak to him and moving towards the armchair by the bed. Once again, Will darted into action first. He dove for the chair before she could move any closer and sat in it, looking up at her with wide, determined blue eyes. He would and could take care of Jem. It was a job and opportunity he more than wanted.

"I'll stay with him," he said quickly. "I'll stay."

Charlotte hesitated and glanced at Jem, as if asking him if it was all right if Will stayed. Will tried to come up with something cold to say to make her leave faster but found himself, not for the first time, lacking. He wondered if sharp retorts would ever get easier.

Jem nodded his head once and smiled at her, that smile that Will noticed always brightened the room. It was horribly contagious as well. Charlotte hesitated again then nodded and slowly left the room. Will watched her leave then turned his gaze to his friend. "Are you all right?" he asked in a low voice.

Jem lifted a hand and waved him off. "I'm quite all right." Will gave him a skeptic look and James just lifted his eyebrows. "I am, however, sorry that you had to witness that."

Will was thrown completely off guard. "You are apologizing again?" The idea of Jem apologizing for being sick was strange. Strange and unpleasant. "Why do you insist on apologizing? You could not help it." Jem did not reply and Will did not push it. He was quite for a moment before saying, "You really are dying then."

Jem's eyes found his and his gaze softened further, a real feat for Jem. "Yes." Will swallowed, hard, and nodded. "You knew this," said his friend gently and Will realized with a jolt that Jem was concerned for him. The dying boy was worried about him.

"Yes," Will said slowly. "I did."

"But you seem as if you were hoping for a different response… As if you did not believe it."

"I had not seen you sick." Will's eyes darted away and then back again. "Now I have."

"I am sorry."

"Do not be." Will felt his mouth curve at the corner slightly and said quietly, "Don't be ordinary like that."

Jem smiled and, in that moment, he truly looked healthier. "Thank you for training with me," he said in a soft voice.

Will hesitated, catching himself on the brink of asking if it was truly best for him to be training. He should not ask that. He should trust him. Besides, if their places were reversed he would not want everything to stop. He would want his life to continue as normally as it could. "You're welcome."

"Now." Jem fixed a smile on him; a smile that, despite everything, was so bright that it broke Will's heart. "How about some lighter conversation?"

Will hesitated, grasping for some topic that could make his friend smile again. Finally he hesitated before reaching into his pocket. "I got you something."

Jem's brow furrowed. "You got me something?" he repeated quizzically.

"Try not to look so surprised," Will said as playfully as he could. He pulled it out and held it out to his friend. He watched Jem's eyes widen slightly as he took in the piece of jade shaped like a fist settled on Will's palm. "I know you're homesick."

With a slightly shaking hand, Jem took it from him slowly, turning it over in his pale hand. When he looked up at Will, he was smiling again. "Thank you William."

Will, to his surprise, managed to smile back, a real smile, and shrugged his shoulders. "You're welcome."

Jem turned his eyes back to the pendant and his smile seemed to grow even bigger. Will leaned against the back of the chair. _I can do this_, he thought as he watched his friend smiling down at the stone in his hand. _I'll be anything he could want in a brother._ "Tomorrow we can work more on knives," Jem told him without looking up. "We'll have you a master at it by dinner."

Will felt a smile tug at his lips but before he could reply a cough ripped through Jem and he felt his entire body tense. Jem shook his head, pulling his red stained sleeve from his mouth. "I'm all right."

Will watched him for several minutes before settled back against the chair. Jem cast him an exasperated smile. "Come now, Will. Don't fret. I'm fine." He tightened his fist around the jade and settled against the pillows, closing his eyes.

Will paused before breaking the silence again. "The way you looked at your medicine… You do not like it."

Jem was quiet for a long time before opening his eyes. "No," he said quietly. "I do not." He did not say more but he did not have to. Will understood. Of course he did not like to be dependent on something that was going to kill him in the end. Will did not know much about it but he knew enough. He suspected that some part of James feared his medicine, even if he did not want to say as much. But Will would not make him. No. Will would never let Jem be forced to speak of anything he did not want to speak of. No one would make him answer a question he did not want to or dwell on something he did not want to. Will would not allow it.

Maybe it was all he could do for him but it would have to be enough.

Will leaned back in his chair as he watched his friend drift off. He had found something here that he hadn't expected. He'd found a friendship he had never had, had never even known he could have, before. He would protect it. He would protect Jem. That was all that mattered to him.

So Will spent his night watching Jem, counting his breaths and praying, not for the last time.

"_I'm more afraid than I've ever been,_

_So stay with me Evelyn"_


End file.
